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Submitted by brad on Fri, 06/04/2010 - 23:34
This is not so much a tale as some random musings. If I was going to try and weave a story around them, I could perhaps try to pass them off as lessons for my kids; things I've learned in my time here.  But that premise has more holes in it than a golddigger's diaphragm. So I'll cut right to the chase: Random Musings that are slightly too long to fit on status line.

- I'm warming up the idea of a bidet. If someone told me I had crap in my hair I wouldn't rub it for a few seconds with a dry paper towel then go about my day.

- An optimist is just a dyslexic pessimist.

- One night when I'm about 80 I will finish my meal, push my chair back, take a deep breath, pause for a beat, then say "And....scene!". I'll then slip back into my 'old' Jersey accent, light up a cigarette, and go "Roll of a lifetime I tell ya. Roll of a lifetime. Trent Wellington, nice workin' wit ya." I will maintain that until I die.

- The celebrity death 'rule of three' is completely true. If you take an arbitrary and varying period of time, and narrow or expand the definition of celebrity as needed.  The same is true for all statistics.

- When someone approaches me in the grocery parking lot with a loonie as I'm returning my cart, I HATE them for putting me in that situation. Now I have to suss out what scam they're running. I have to find an inconspicuous way to check if the loonie is fake, while also trying not to obsess over how they're laughing as they walk away about how I'm touching the loonie they dipped in their ass/vomit/itching powder. Plus I have to thank them for the privilege.

- When I see our little kid bikes, our little kid clothes, or our little kids, I am the biggest optimist in the world. It lasts about 2 seconds. 5 if my wife happens to be lookin' fine, too.