I am glad to be a man. Say it loud, say it proud, thank god I'm not a woman. A female. I don't get it. I feel bad for my daughters and I worry about them. I know guys have their hang ups. I'd like to say we're all just jocks and Poindexters with a few metalheads thrown in for good measure, but if The Breakfast Club teaches us anything, it's that we're all 'real' inside. Still, that is nothing compared to the monumentally screwed up system that is femaledom. I will sum it up in one sentence. Are you ready? Here it is:
My daughter's dress zips up from behind.
Who does that? An entire category of clothes, sought out by millions, that cannot be put on without someone else. The turning of the back, bending of the neck, brushing your hair aside and waiting for someone, presumably "your man", to do up your clothes so you can wear them. Built in submissiveness, and people love it! Women have no chance. "Oh, I'm sorry, I was going to run for president today, but my husband wasn't home to zip up my dress so I'm stuck here. Tee hee hee". I just...I love my daughters. I am, I think, very fair to them. They help me renovate the house, I teach them the tools, I explain electricity to them, I don't classify things as boy/girl. But what chance do I have when their own wardrobe is telling them to submit to the will of others? I would never put up with that. I won't even wear a tie. What do single women do? I'm sure there's some tool or hook out there to help, but it seems to me that's a built in esteem basher. Sure you're successful, but you can't even find someone to do up your clothes for you. It makes no sense to me whatsoever. Burn your bra? How about demanding clothes that don't turn you into a glorified mannequin?
I don't get a lot about women. Some want to "succeed in a man's world"; great. But you won't be considered competent, oh no; better yet, you'll be a "tomboy", half the other women are going to call you names, and other other half will accuse you of playing up to "their man". Others want to be succeed on their own terms, be ultra feminine, embrace their sexuality. Great - but you won't be empowered, oh no; better yet, you'll be a "whore", half the other women are going to call you names, and the other half will accuse you of trying to steal "their man".
And they have the weirdest double standards. If you're a rich, successful powerful woman, you can really crank it up a notch and show how empowered you are by posing in Maxim, Playboy, or some raunchy music video. It seems to be the fact that they're rich and don't have to do it, that makes it empowering. "Look at her, she's got a million dollars and a brazilian! You go girl!". Yet if some anonymous 22 year old bimbo from Hooters shows half the skin or a quarter of the simulated sex acts some of these celebrities do, she's a dumb skank. I don't want to get into names, but pick any famous female celebrity known for her body as much as anything, and select a couple of her photos. I guarantee you if I went to a college campus and paid some women to do the same pose, they would not get the same accolades and respect. It's messed up. Girls gone wild videos are tasteless and demeaning, but pose for Maxim, shoot some topless movies and perhaps accidentally drop a cheesy sex tape, and you could be on Dancing with the Stars or the cover of Cosmo.
Be too focused on your career, and you're sacrifing motherhood. Be too focused on being a mom, and you're sacrificing your career. Dress too feminine, and you're a skank or a cougar. Don't dress feminine enough, and you're a butch or an old maid. Don't be too smart, but if you are, make sure you balance it out by playing with your hair when you talk. You're too tall, maybe you could slouch a bit? Great. Now put on these heels.
Anyway. I'm starting to lose my train of thought, and it is getting late. It just ticks me off to no end. Men have rules, social constraints, yes. For those of you who know me, I'll say one word: Europants. But as an outsider looking in, our rules pale in comparison to the monumental mountain of bull that women have to wade through. I'll leave my belt looped through my jeans and wear 'em every day until some obvious stain shows up (well, truth be told, until about 3 days after that). I can grab whatever shirt I want off the floor, and I can damn sure put on my own clothes without someone's help. I can turn fricken' 60 and grey and just be more distinguished. Good luck with that ya old hags.
My daughters don't stand a chance of escaping it. And the weird thing is, I don't think you can even blame men. Sure, we laid the foundation. I'll bet a woman didn't invent the first zip-from-behind dress. And we definitely started the brainwashing that women need to be sexy, submissive, and not too opinionated. But women seem to be doing a pretty good job of perpetuating it themselves these days.
Still, I am a man, and on that note, I say thank-you. I may get razzed wearing europants, but a little ribbing, a couple rebuttal that's-not-what-your-mother-said-last-nights, and we're back looking at half-naked women. On television, in magazines in the checkout stands, or simply walking down the street. I can objectify at the drop of a hat, and it's not even considered a bad thing because "boys will be boys". And besides, she's empowered. Keep up the good work, ladies.
p.s. Should my daughters ever read this, I want you to know I feel for you. I don't have a clue what you have to go through on a daily basis, but it can't be easy. Your mom and I did what we could, but there's a whole world out there that thinks otherwise. Be strong, be sure of your self, and know that we're always there for you. And never, ever, ever, do anything in front of a camera. Even if the guy's really cute and you're in love and he would never share it with his buddies. As a guy, let me just say - he will.